Stephen and I are in love and it couldn’t be more perfect. Except for the fact that I’m supposed to be packing a bag right now for a trip I didn’t expect, out of my moms house. I’m not really sure how long I’ll be gone, or where I’m going, but I know that this is the first step of my journey. Haha dumb. Im scared. Im also sad but happy and lately I don’t really know how I feel. Eva has moved back with her brother safe and sound. Mathilde is here and things are never the same the other night she said each year she comes back it gets less and less fun. That was nice to hear. Heather is of course great, I’m never really worried about her because she has such a good head on her shoulders and I know she’ll figure it out, she always does. Stephen, my love, he’s amazing. It’s crazy how you can fall in love so fast. He loves me when I look tired, sad and everything in between with is a big change from what I usually expect. He told me he loved me last week and I didn’t expect that at all which ended up being so awesome. He has such good heart and he’s so smart. Anyway I was talking in my last post about how we were going to travel and those plans have quickly become a reality when my mom gave us the boot in wake of our new relationship. Good start? She can’t tell me who to love (insert teenage angst punk song) I think we will be fine, I hate to disappoint her but you can’t please everyone I guess..I haven’t been reading enough lately but hopefully that will change once we get on the road. I want to buy a surfboard. I’m having a hard time packing and right now I’m wearing all of my jewelry at once hahah we should be leaving around the 1st of September for Key West. I’ll write about our plans soon and I won’t say tomorrow because lets just get real, it aint gonna happen. Write soon.
P.S. It is day 2 as a homeless person with Sticky. Strangely enough, this inconvience has made us stronger as a couple so jokes on you mom HA HA I would be homeless forever with him but I know he wants to give me the world and I can see that bothers him
Heather, Mathilde and I have been at the beach since Sunday. We’re lying in the bed now. I’m blogging (obviously) and she’s reading a Nicholas Sparks book. I always tell her she shouldn’t waste her time with those nonsense love stories but she insists they’re worthwhile. I can’t blame her though, I used to like them too. I have been telling her to read The Alchemist by Paolo Chalololololo (or however you spell it) but I haven’t given it to her, and she probably wouldn’t put down the Sparks anyway.
Mathilde is downstairs fucking everything that moves without a condom or birth control. Idiot girl. She needs a Family Life lesson A fuckin SAP. Can’t worry about the things you can’t change, abort or cure. So I’ll let her fill her diary with those horror stories.
I miss Stephen, or Stonehenge as my autocorrect likes to address him. We have devised a plan to escape together, well mostly just me because I don’t think he cares about where we we are as long as he has a pen, paper and this pussy lol but seriously he doesn’t and that gives me a little too much freedom with my credit card and Expedia. I want to know where he wants to go (I think Portland) I wish I could be with him now and talk about it but he has no service at his sister’s house where he has been spending his nights and keeping his things. I’m glad he’s staying there, where he has nice bed and a coffee maker. Mostly the coffee maker. We went to Chopped Suey this really cute bookstore in Carytown where we spent a good hour looking through their collection to find tantric sex books and sneaking kisses behind the shelves. Sometimes, I’ll catch a glimpse of him not staring at me (rarely) reading or looking around and I love the way he looks so curious or sad or just content with life. I take so many pictures of him I can’t tell if he likes it but he makes it clear that he likes everything I do near him, I could probably kill someone and he would come over and kiss me on the forehead. I have a feeling that would probably turn him on. Speaking of getting turned on, our sex is SO amazing. I never knew why anyone would ever say ‘making love’ until you actually do. It’s insane. Woah. Indescribable. We fucked under Marielle’s bed (sorry mom) I love that we can be completely open with each other, it’s so fun. I knew that I would never find anyone as fun as him after our Pagan Shit Show. I loved him then and I’ll love him forever. Write soon lol.
Been a while since I’ve written anything here. Stephen writes on paper and he’s such a huge influence on me that I’ve started to do the same recently. I know I’ll lose those eventually though like everything else I care about in my life, so I’ll do some here. Hmmm since April 29th, I feel like time keeps going faster which is starting to scare me more and more with the passing of each month like the blink of an eye lol. Ok so it’s June now and I feel like May didn’t even happen haha fuck. I went to Arizona to visit my friend for a week. I love the desert. Pretty traumatizing events took place to show me how I never want to be treated in a relationship so that was good to learn and see some fucking domestic abuse first hand lol sike. I met this guy at a bar last week and we had a pretty intense 3 day relationship that ended so surprisingly great and not sad. I don’t know what is so exciting about getting to know someone that is leaving so soon but I think it had something to do with fate that we met. I needed to be reminded that there are good guys out there that will treat you like you’re important and beautiful. I actually really needed that.
Before I departed on the Chinese bus for a ride I thought would be my last, I bid my two best friends (Stephen and Heather) farewell and reluctantly boarded. I told them both I love you and received a normal response from Heather but it was strange the response I got from Stephen, he was saying that he loved me in a different way, one that I had never heard from him before. I brushed it off because I’m great at ignoring the ones that care about me the most (ironic) and left for the city. I felt a sense of accomplishment conquering the Big Apple with only $15 and 2 fake Id’s in my wallet. This wasn’t just a solo road trip this was way more, this was the beginning of my new adventurous life. Being hesitant about actually going through with this plan and it being the most eye opening experience I needed, was a big lesson for me. Couldn’t stop thinking about Stephen. Did I hurt him? Probably. Did I care? More than you know. But was I going to get off that bus? Nope. I am going with my gut now. Also I paid 35 dollars for it, and fuck that.
Anyway I’ll write about something real tomorrow. Maybe.
Stephen and I listened to the whole “Wish You Were Here” album by Pink Floyd last night. Today is my 19th birthday. I’ve learned that if someone is quick to say ‘I Love You’ they tend to be more likely to say goodbye just as fast. I’m going to Arizona in two weeks to see Dia and I’m extremely excited. I think people and their friends are put under a lot of pressure for birthdays, I didn’t do much today and I don’t feel like shit about it so that’s good. Anyways I love Stephen so much he’s such a great friend, we went to this cute little breakfast café in the pouring rain this morning. We couldn’t find a table at the café so we went to the emergency room across the street hahahaha but decided to sit on someones lovely front porch. It was so nice of them to set up the furniture and put fresh flowers on the table for us. Later we laid in his top bunk and tried to catch some shut eye. He told me his girlfriend who is in Europe right now said they could fuck other people but not form a serious bond with them. I wondered more about this when we are riding in the car after (listening to his punk rock metal music) I wondered if she would’ve cared about us hanging out every single day. I bet if she knew she would care, I know I would be jealous.
Haven’t written in a while, don’t really know how I’ve been feeling lately. Can’t describe the emptiness. Also learning you can’t buy your friends and you really shouldn’t try. Not even with wine.
For a couple months now, I’ve being spending a lot of time with my great friend, her brother, boyfriend and roommate. On almost every weekend occasion, I crash on their futon, ants and all, and I get to dive into almost a different culture. Culture shock. They’re so different from the person I dress to be for work (fancy) so I like to bum it out with them on the weekends. It is so refreshing to hangout with people that don’t care about going out to every party or bar and what they wear or the kinds of cars they drive. They’re all so content in their minimalistic way of life. It’s fascinating to be able to observe them in a city full of people trying to be different and not give a fuck these people are actually pulling it off naturally, and they have no idea. Maybe it’s their generation that was born without an iPhone in their hand. It’s just nice to hangout with real people for a change. This weekend though has been very interesting. We had a lovely brunch at the Jefferson hotel in Richmond, the special treatment of endless champagne glasses I’m not used to so I got incredibly drunk. I smoked a lot of cigarettes this weekend. My friend, her brother and I napped on the ant infested futon and I drowsily slept on the way to their home town after inviting myself along for the ride #classy. They have a lovely home. We brought the croket set back to Richmond and played until the sun went down. I’ve gone home since and I’ll probably be seeing them soon. I felt fancy this weekend.
I think its really therapeutic to write your thoughts out onto paper or, in this case, a blog. The closest thing I’ve ever had to blog is my twitter which is hilarious and you can follow me @camacmiller if you like to laugh. But anyway, I rarely tweet what is really on my mind because I don’t think its necessary for all of those strangers to read my annoying complaints about a vending machine and love for a lunch lady lolol. Putting your raw thoughts into word form is actually a great way to reflect on yourself and become a little bit more self aware. Thinking about your thought process, views and opinions is a great way to improve your empathetic side for those of you that lack the whole ‘putting yourself into someone else’s shoes’ trait. Some of us are just born with it. Well I’ll get on with my point for the day by explaining the day I’ve had. It was just like any 0ther day..get up, help around the house and go to work kind of day (yeah I wish there was an AND THEN SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENED) but there isn’t and I think that is really the point of my story. I can’t wait for the days when I’ll look forward to waking up to a brand new day full of opportunities to learn an explore, right now, the only thing I explore is the 35 minute interstate drive to and from the city. My days have started to blur together. Hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and you get the picture. Before you can finish you turkey stuffing we’re done with Easter. I now know what “adults” mean when they say time flies because it really fucking does.